day 3

all these wires are loose and could zap us! today is not my birthday. today tyra banks is thirty six years old and two days ago she was thirty five. alex bought a pill for her cat and said it would make all the fleas go away but she didn't tell it to me. i sat outside at vickery's at a two person table i'd never sat at before. i fucked with the waiter only i wasn't fucking him but when i am happy or being honest a lot of times people think i'm fucking with other people. the waiter didn't think i was fuycking with him. he liked me and i know it. i said i had used to think that red stripe bottles were bottles of cough syrup and older and cooler kids went to parties and drank cough syrup. i'd seen pictures. it was casual. finding out the truth about something like that is as difficult and accidental as finding out where to buy fantasia cigarettes. i'd seen those in pictures too. the day i sat outside in a place i'd never sat before i relived three years of my life out loud. i told a story about doing bumps of coke off my necklace in the upstairs hall at my old house on spring street and i was wearing the necklace. i wondered how many hands had touched that necklace. it is a metal tooth that hangs on a chain. i asked my friends today if they thought i could be a stand up comic and they didn't sound very enthusiastic. i could be friends with sarah silverman! i said. i promised to buy my mother so many houses when i was 8 years old and what if i never can? i am afraiud of who would forget sooner and to whcihc one of us it means more. there are some people i would like to be rich for. if i were rich i would pay those people to hang out and keep doing what they're doing because they're so successful at living. living your life well is a pretty hard thing to do. what if you are the master at living your life well and no one will pay you? or you have to work and having to work is the one thing that ruins how well you live your life? i would like to be rich sometimes so i could pay people for living their life well.

yesterday was december fourth and i wore someone else's hat to someone else's party. the hat was a bear or the shape of a bear head. it had white cloth teeth. whenever i was introduced to someone at the party i bent my head down so it was only the bear head and lifted my hands up like claws and said raaah. some people laughed at that and some people said i looked good which wasn't really about the bear and maybe was because i'd borrowed someone else's clothes and looked like a slut. i get a lot of compliments anytime i think i look like a slut. my mom would always stick at least two of her fingers down my pants in the dressing rooms. she was very concerned that anything might be too tight and she thinks i am still growing probably even now. i had to learn how to swivel myself around to avoid her and then i stopped buiying clothes at stores. no one needs to buy clothes at stores and thats just the truth. sometimes when i am home now my mother will ask me if she can brush my hair and i will say no because i have a lot of hair and i don't even like to brush it and she is going to hurt me even though she won't be trying to. once i'd said this and then i took a bath and came downstairs and was looking in the refrigerator and i felt some kind of rake or claw approaching from behind and i swiveled around and it was my mother and she was trying to brush my hair. one thing i have learned is that you can't guerilla brush your child's hair and get away with it very easily.