things i have not said in cold weather

Things I have not said in cold weather

i didn’t shout at him or shake my head as i was leaving,
when he said he’s tried it again, i drew

sharks & airplanes on bits of paper. made jokes.
make jokes, for the love of god, make jokes.
it was the best remedy for everything, including gout
and back pain—so my analyst wants to be a photographer…
& there is a book i saw

we'd parked the car at the beach and debated
whether the sand was really snow or the snow
was really sand & we left without agreeing the world was blue
and whipping at our throats,
but it was. In new york the cold caught up
inside us & the cigarettes are too much.
so we ran out quickly, jonathan & i.

jonathan who lives in a basement,
in a room without a door & across the street is park slope
gourmet deli—& the curtain rod keeps falling down,
so we ran out quickly.
they cut a line down my father's face
and they'd called it a cancer & they cut it out quickly—

consider a run, wearing a wide-brimmed hat, depressing
he says- ridiculous. move into these stretched
& useless arms. they call you up & no one answers.

so we ran out quickly after that-- should've seen you & i'm sorry.
to avoid all talk of babies & make bad jokes
as i'm leaving, i sleep late & through goodbyes. i leave things
behind. i dont blame you. i should've met you in the city that night & i'm sorry
but maybe not so sorry as I’d like to be & I’m sorry..
they cut a line down my father's face.

There was a bird skimming the water & the water
& the world was grey,
he says, depressing and i make bad jokes about leaving
things behind me. it is hard to be here and always leaving.
help me build a dog in the snow & this is important,
i'll say, when you want to go in. we'll sleep foot to head
in a room with no door & i'll leave before the snow dog melts,
say, I’ve missed the party for the third time. say I tried
to get there and couldn’t find it. say hello to ankit
when he’s drunk at the bar & eventually, I’ll go to touch you
& you will go rolling
backwards through the chairs but I’ll understand it is hard
to be anywhere & always leaving.