Saturday, January 9, 2010
i came in loud/ i left loud.
i came in loud. i left loud. in between, i slept. it is always this way, isn't it? this morning i read jack lemmin was born in an elevator. before that i watched the front page. i didn't sleep, but could have. it is always this way, isn't it? i smoked a cigarette in the snow and pondered a fake-stone turtle on the back porch balcony- his stony face peeking from the snow shrouded on the rail. i pulled a red coat towards my chin. has it ever been any other way, i asked the tortoise but he did not say a word, not even shivering. you are stronger than i, i said, pulling the door closed and wrapping the butt in a napkin. what hasn't been packed yet...too much. which things am i forgetting and when will i realize? it was always this way, it won't matter. i came in loud. i left loud. in between, i slept and did not know myself.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
the clerk
the clerk stands up. sits down. the clerk stands up. stands up. the clerk sits down. the clerk goes to the window and pulls out a cigarette. the clerk drops the cigarette out an open window. lafrica has mud on her boots where its rained. lafrica has mud on her boots and is tired. lafrica is walking. looks down at the mud on her boots, sees a cigarette. lafrica smokes. jerry says cigarette smoke is a dying breed. jerry makes the mashed potatos. cliff thinks its sad, he could never own a boa. he couldn't fed it the mice, he says, he just couldn't. we've been eating too much corn, i told her. our resources, are shit. oh stephen hawking, why wont you tell me the weather report? even kool-aid is made with corn. i want it to be the 4th of july, i want to be seven and someone throwing candy from the float, yes, a parade. max has got his tonsils stuck between his ears again. says he cant hear anything. says he needs the sleep. oh, sleep you change my mind so often, you drop me off of buildings. they put a hole in the first stomach of the cow, enough to reach your hand in, dr. enough to make you sick, dr.?
little chickens down the shute: green & down the shute-- a love song
you know that move baracka and the part where there are the little chicks and the factory worker picks the chicks off the conveyor belt and puts their heads under the metal. then there is a green dot on the chicken head. its a mechanical motion. those little chicken heads. throwing them down the shoot. like a pattern, like a yellow river & full of deformities. i always think of those little chickens. a lot of life moves like those little chick heads down the shute. the notion of an apple. the woman in a hairnet who we all know and do not know. there are no names that will be remembered. the blur of green green ink on a feathered cheek. little chick heads, just hatched, green and down the shute- a love song.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
i bit my own filling
out of my tooth and i had to go to the dentist. the dental assistant talked to the dentist, who i've known for a long time. i think about dental erotica. the dental assistant says to the dentist, "did you see in the paper the guy who killed the guy worked at Butterfields?" "yeah" said the dentist. what is Butterfield's? would it be called dental erotica? i like the feeling of the orange doo-hickey on my novocaine tooth and it's funny how the dentist rests his hand casually on my face. i'm glad i don't have to talk at all. where is my tongue? the dental assistant asks the dentist, "did you get a new paper boy?" "i don't know if i got a new paper boy but i got the paper." resin? she'd asked in the beginning. i'd thought maybe it was a term about smoking but they didn't even ask.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
day 16: if i hAd a child,
life is tough! i'd say, get used to it!, shoving him out into the snow and laughing.
day 15: i heard
drew barrymore saying all i want in life is a dance partner with an affected accent. a dance partner. a dance partner.
day 14: pregnancies
i don't think anyone looks at the food pyramid anymore. i would want to be on top of the pyramid which means i would want to be fats and sugars.
the thing about me is i cant handle certain situations.
the thing is, is when there is something eventful or traumatic or important going on, i always think the best thing i could possibly do in that moment is say or act out something wildly inappropriate. i can't explain it but its thoroughly genuine. i always think this will make things better.
(excepting certain occasions* where i can react in no way other than laughing uncontrollably.)
other times however, such as this new years eve when my cousin christine and her husband mark decide inexplicably to travel to my parents house and stay the weekend for the new years holiday. this of course, sounds crazy and it got crazier and i reacted in the following ways:
1. christine and mark arrive at the house. no one is downstairs. i see them approaching through the front door window. instinctively, i run upstairs and shut my door and pretend i am changing when the doorbell rings.
2. i come downstairs to say hello three minutes before i know my friend and gay pothead accomplice jonathan will be pulling into the driveway. hello i sAY, HOW ARE YOU.
3. i return to the house high and with the intention of leaving shortly and also taking a chinese bussing system to new york city. me and jonathan are sitting in the driveway and we see my big hairy uncle looking tipsy and mildly confused and wild in the front yard. he comes to the window. i am sure he smells pot. i wonder if he likes to smoke pot.
4. christine is pregnant he says. "oh" i say, then "OH!". my pothead accomplice and i walk slowly towards the font door.
5. inside i am shown a sonogram in a picture frame. "OH!" I say, then "conGratUlATIONS!"
6.my gay accomplice and i go into the computer room to record a "televison show". we have to stay for dinner. it is new years eve. my mother comes into the computer room. i whisper "i cannot handle this. we will eat dinner. we are going to a gay party. we are already late. i need to go to new york." my mother concedes to the terror in my eyes. "we are not all baby lovers" i tell her, then "you are in a safe place."
7. my brother, my gay pothead accomplice and i sit at a card table next to the kitchen table: dinner time. "have you ever been to the red fez?" i ask my brother (who is asian and doesn't drink**) "no" he says.
"whAt is the red fez!?" my mother asks excitedly, thinking this is a good idea. "its that middle eastern gay bar where all my shit got stolen last new years," i reply.
(silence)
8. everyone sits down. christine drinks o'douls. she is 3 months pregnant and i think the o'douls is a little premature of her. later i will tell my mother i thought drinking was good for pregnant people, mostly so that she remembers to be afraid of any pregnancies i might be capable of achieving later on. everyone else is drunk or drunk-ish, thank god, excepting my gay accomplice and i who are very stoned and my brother who is asian.
9. "who will say grace?" i ask, attempting to recover from the gay bar comment. i often think of asking this question at the dinner times but always end up deciding it is too inappropriate and awkward...until now. "why don't you do it?" my mother asks, once again thinking this is a good idea, as if she has chronic amnesia (which i often think may be the case). "ok" i say and chug my glass of wine. everyone holds hands. i am blanking on a good sermon so i start singing.
10. "New YoRk, CONCRETE JUNGLE WHERE DREAMS ARE MADE oF, THERES NOTHING YOU CAAANT DO000" the hands are dropped. my gay accomplice looks to be plotting escape maneuvers, so i spend the rest of dinner trying to make him the center of conversation/ tie his personal experiences to the topic of conversation***.
11. i think people having babies freaks me out.
*such as the event of my friend shitting herself on the way to my birthday dinner...while riding the metro...in paris
**and has spent the holidays playing an asian anime video game where asian anime people stand in cafeterias and schools-- (this is all i have seen happen in the video game)
**for instance, i loudly fake concern over jonathan's broken elbow (his left arm is in a sling) by asking "Jandy! HOW did you BREAK your ELBOW!?! MY GOD, what EvEr HAPPENED???" this is very fun, because then jonathan must relate the story wherein he is wasted and his gay accomplice (my gay accomplice once removed/ second gay accomplice/ gay accomplice-in-law) convinces him to slide down the banister going into the subway in new york. jandy mounts the banister only to fall eight feet of humiliation onto his ELBOW. only jandy is too embarrassed to lie there and goes home to sleep away the pain, only to awake and find out he has to take the train to boston in order to get ELBOW surgery. i usually try to get him to include the part where his parents are "mega pissed." this makes me seem like a better child for being merely emotionally scarring & inappropriate as opposed to physically and expensively.
the thing about me is i cant handle certain situations.
the thing is, is when there is something eventful or traumatic or important going on, i always think the best thing i could possibly do in that moment is say or act out something wildly inappropriate. i can't explain it but its thoroughly genuine. i always think this will make things better.
(excepting certain occasions* where i can react in no way other than laughing uncontrollably.)
other times however, such as this new years eve when my cousin christine and her husband mark decide inexplicably to travel to my parents house and stay the weekend for the new years holiday. this of course, sounds crazy and it got crazier and i reacted in the following ways:
1. christine and mark arrive at the house. no one is downstairs. i see them approaching through the front door window. instinctively, i run upstairs and shut my door and pretend i am changing when the doorbell rings.
2. i come downstairs to say hello three minutes before i know my friend and gay pothead accomplice jonathan will be pulling into the driveway. hello i sAY, HOW ARE YOU.
3. i return to the house high and with the intention of leaving shortly and also taking a chinese bussing system to new york city. me and jonathan are sitting in the driveway and we see my big hairy uncle looking tipsy and mildly confused and wild in the front yard. he comes to the window. i am sure he smells pot. i wonder if he likes to smoke pot.
4. christine is pregnant he says. "oh" i say, then "OH!". my pothead accomplice and i walk slowly towards the font door.
5. inside i am shown a sonogram in a picture frame. "OH!" I say, then "conGratUlATIONS!"
6.my gay accomplice and i go into the computer room to record a "televison show". we have to stay for dinner. it is new years eve. my mother comes into the computer room. i whisper "i cannot handle this. we will eat dinner. we are going to a gay party. we are already late. i need to go to new york." my mother concedes to the terror in my eyes. "we are not all baby lovers" i tell her, then "you are in a safe place."
7. my brother, my gay pothead accomplice and i sit at a card table next to the kitchen table: dinner time. "have you ever been to the red fez?" i ask my brother (who is asian and doesn't drink**) "no" he says.
"whAt is the red fez!?" my mother asks excitedly, thinking this is a good idea. "its that middle eastern gay bar where all my shit got stolen last new years," i reply.
(silence)
8. everyone sits down. christine drinks o'douls. she is 3 months pregnant and i think the o'douls is a little premature of her. later i will tell my mother i thought drinking was good for pregnant people, mostly so that she remembers to be afraid of any pregnancies i might be capable of achieving later on. everyone else is drunk or drunk-ish, thank god, excepting my gay accomplice and i who are very stoned and my brother who is asian.
9. "who will say grace?" i ask, attempting to recover from the gay bar comment. i often think of asking this question at the dinner times but always end up deciding it is too inappropriate and awkward...until now. "why don't you do it?" my mother asks, once again thinking this is a good idea, as if she has chronic amnesia (which i often think may be the case). "ok" i say and chug my glass of wine. everyone holds hands. i am blanking on a good sermon so i start singing.
10. "New YoRk, CONCRETE JUNGLE WHERE DREAMS ARE MADE oF, THERES NOTHING YOU CAAANT DO000" the hands are dropped. my gay accomplice looks to be plotting escape maneuvers, so i spend the rest of dinner trying to make him the center of conversation/ tie his personal experiences to the topic of conversation***.
11. i think people having babies freaks me out.
*such as the event of my friend shitting herself on the way to my birthday dinner...while riding the metro...in paris
**and has spent the holidays playing an asian anime video game where asian anime people stand in cafeterias and schools-- (this is all i have seen happen in the video game)
**for instance, i loudly fake concern over jonathan's broken elbow (his left arm is in a sling) by asking "Jandy! HOW did you BREAK your ELBOW!?! MY GOD, what EvEr HAPPENED???" this is very fun, because then jonathan must relate the story wherein he is wasted and his gay accomplice (my gay accomplice once removed/ second gay accomplice/ gay accomplice-in-law) convinces him to slide down the banister going into the subway in new york. jandy mounts the banister only to fall eight feet of humiliation onto his ELBOW. only jandy is too embarrassed to lie there and goes home to sleep away the pain, only to awake and find out he has to take the train to boston in order to get ELBOW surgery. i usually try to get him to include the part where his parents are "mega pissed." this makes me seem like a better child for being merely emotionally scarring & inappropriate as opposed to physically and expensively.
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